Brian was thrilled when people talked about how boring Sask was and how little there was to see and do here, because that meant throngs of people would never come here and it would never be crowded.
I was hoping I was through the worst of grief (and maybe I am – perhaps I have a different gauge now?), but now that the camping trip is over and I’m alone again, I fell into the all too familiar “pit of hell”. I keep thinking about his last weeks and especially his last days and how difficult that was for both of us, yet we didn’t talk about it – AT ALL - which is, without question, my biggest regret. I still want to be able to tell him how much I loved him and how empty I felt when I went home at night after being with him at the hospital all day and what I thought about when I considered he might not get through his illness to health, but I never said it out loud. That would have made the possibility too real. I’m sure he was doing the same, but I want to KNOW that – I want him to have told me that, but we NEVER discussed it. Damn! I SO want to have talked about all of that and said good-bye and told him I’d love him forever. It was on my mind all the time and the plan for the week after he died, but then he fell ….. and life changed. I said those things, but was too late to be meaningful for him.
Life has never ever been the same and will never be the same.
How many of us ever get to have those conversations?
I find it odd that a year ago I felt much more optimistic about the future than I do now. Then I saw possibilities. Now, despite the great things happening, my world is grey - so very grey! I’m not a fan of grey. I want color again.
What do I miss about Brian?
· The comfort level we shared with each other and how we could and did talk about anything – in depth
· Our shared goals for life beyond retirement – for the way the world should be. And the list of things we planned to do together is long and unfulfilled
· Our shared view of the world - I so want to talk to him about the horrific violence that is happening in the world and feel his protective arms around me.
· His insightful and intelligent political analysis – I can’t imagine what he would have said about Donald Trump getting the republican (can’t capitalize the "r" word) nomination. He would have been incensed!!)
· Shared kids/grandkids and his delight in their antics and their plans for the future.
· Our house, even though we didn’t always agree on the renos we wanted to do
· Our shared financial goals
· Our unconditional love for each other.
Moving forward whether I want to or not. Is there another choice??
Mm
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