A few closing thoughts about Camp Widow Toronto 2015

I have to wonder what other people (like those at the hotel for weddings, engagement parties, corporate events) think when they see this and hear the laughter. 

Or when they see a group of people with their huge Camp Widow name tags having a great time.  I hope they see the same thing our young DJ did. 

We found out this morning the father of our DJ died 4 months ago and that he was so pleased to have had the opportunity to DJ for our group. Seeing the good time we were having gave him hope that his mom can be okay and at some point enjoy life again. We never know when or how we carry a message. 

I can't quite believe I was up early enough to do the Labyrinth Walk at 7 am with a few other hardy souls as the rain drizzled down. It's the first time I've walked a labyrinth and I now think it could be a useful tool on this journey of discovery. What made this one particularly interesting is the folded chairs that were lying on the ground in preparation for an event later today. It was decided we would leave the chairs where they were rather than move them and try to put them back after we were done, and that the chairs would represent the obstacles we face in life. It was interesting to see ourselves step over and walk around the chairs and at times squeeze past each other to keep moving forward.  Just like life. 

 

The labyrinth this afternoon with the chairs set up. 

Some of the homework to begin developing the plot line, doing the character development for the next volume ...

Next stop - Pearson International. 

Already looking forward to Camp Widow Tampa 2016. And sleep - also looking forward to sleep. 

I'm A Widow - What's Your Superpower?

I don't remember where I heard this this weekend - probably from a young widow with young kids, a job, a house, yard, car to maintain, finances to manage and more .... but I immediately thought "yes!"  We are superheroes. We've all been drop kicked, we've survived and, for the most part we're thriving. How is this possible?  There are lots of reasons, but a big one is community!  Camp Widow is community on steroids!

Today was all about thriving!! Some highlights:

Breakfast - I haven't laughed so hard talking about things I can't imagine talking about with anyone - and with people I'd never met before this weekend - and early in the morning - but we did have coffee. 

Keynote - You're now writing a new volume of your life story. What do you want in it? Develop your character!

If we guard our hearts too closely, the gates will keep out the people who can sustain us. 

Grief is in the background of every single day. Some days it's loud, some days quieter, but it's always there. No wonder some days we're tired. 

On relationships - you can't bring someone into something you know nothing about. We need to discover who we are after loss. 

Live the List!

And after all of that emotional stuff and the damp tissues stuffed in my purse - we were entertained by Kelley Lynn - a wonderful comic from NYC who is part of this community. Nothing was sacred - panic attacks, dumb things people say to a griever, changing the account holder on a cell phone account ("but I need to talk to the account holder". "I'd like to talk to him too, but he's DEAD!"), widow brain, the "fuck it" meditation..... I laughed till my sides hurt - I wonder if that counts as a workout?

Between the laughter and the tears, it was a very bad mascara day. Perhaps next time, there could be waterproof mascara in the swag bags?

And then there was the evening. We clean up real good!! A great banquet, more moving moments (I got a red, heart shaped rock and hugs to commemorate Brian's Sept birthday and mine) followed by a freaking dance!! I haven't danced in years, and I'm not sure I've ever danced like THAT!! Inhibitions be damned!

Michelle and the balloons that contain our intentions. 

I'm going to the next Camp Widow in March in Tampa to have this rockin' good time all over again. Why not? It will be winter in Sask. 

New friends 

Life is good - and painful - and an adventure - and confusing - and bizarre. And did I mention, good?  Maybe even great. 

I know we would all trade this weekend in a heartbeat to have our love back, but since that isn't going to happen, I'm going to figure out the plot line for the next volume, develop my character and start writing. 

Camp Widow is about Life!

Michelle Neff-Hernandez, the founder of Soaring Spirits said today, "Camp Widow is not about death. Camp is about life!" That's how it feels!

Today has been full of amazing moments, although I haven't been outside all day, the tv in my room has yet to be switched on and my only exercise has been taking the stairs rather than the escalator. I think it may have rained today??

I have met people from all over Canada and the U.S. whose spouses died anywhere from 3 months to 12 years ago. The number of young women here is startling - including one from White City and another from Regina!  As they grieve, they also raise young children, go to work, start new relationships. I've met people who have become authors, counsellors and bloggers since their person died. Moving forward. 

There is love and acceptance here like I've never experienced before. I can sit at any table of people, join any conversation and within seconds feel like I'm with friends. "How far out are you?" is the most common question asked. 

In the roundtable on "Death by serious illness" I cried and then I laughed till I cried. Sounds crazy, but the facilitator was so damn funny.  How is it possible that we laughed so much while talking about awful experiences with our loved one becoming ill, caring for them, less than stellar experiences with medical systems and their ultimate death? How? But we did. 

We talked about resilience and how the death of our spouse isn't the only awful thing we'll have to face in our lifetime (I know that, but haven't wanted to think about it much).  We talked about how gratitude leads to perspective and how talking about gratitude sometimes pisses us off because we sure as hell don't always feel grateful, and some days the best we can do is be grateful things aren't worse - because they could always be worse. But an applied practise of gratitude increases resilience - so get on it, Sharon!

Periodically I've been pissed off at Brian because I don't feel his presence. I heard a lot today about the signs others experience of their loved one's continued presence in their lives. Maybe it will come for me, maybe not, maybe not quite yet. 

It has been a wonderfully inspirational day. I wish every widowed person could attend an event like this, because there is hope and healing here. 

Camp Widow Toronto 2015

For weeks ( months, really) I've been looking forward to attending Camp Widow in Toronto. After all, what could be more fun than going to a conference with several hundred women and men whose spouses have died - some recently, some not so recently. You're skeptical?  Think about it for a minute ..... if you'd been through your most horrific life experience to date, if you often felt isolated because, despite the wonderful, loving, supportive family members and friends around you that you love and appreciate more than you can say, it's impossible to truly, deeply "get" what its like to have the love of your life die unless you're living it - at least that's my belief. 

Reading bereavement and personal growth books helps, exercise helps, journaling helps, a support group, meditation, yoga, talking to people, email and texting helps. Listening to music helps (at least after the first few months when I was able to listen to music again). Many things, while fun, also distract - TV, wine, movies, trip planning, a hectic social schedule. 

But at Camp Widow everyone will "get it." They will get the disbelief, the depth of the blackness and despair, the inability to get out of bed, especially in the early days. They'll get the desire to die - they'll have known it. 

Depending on where they are in their journey, they'll also get the flickers of joy that start to come by surprise, that start to happen with greater frequency and last longer until most of the time you want to grab life and run with it even though you don't know what that means or even who you are now in this new life. And, how a minute after feeling that joy, excitement and sense of adventure, tears can return - but with less pain and almost a comfortable familiarity.  They will get how you can feel sadness and joy in the same moment and miss your love deeply while accepting reality and continuing to move forward embracing life and whatever the future holds. They will get all of those things and more. 

I can't begin to imagine how powerful that will be. I'm expecting a lot of tears, as many or likely more laughs, some new friendships and a kick ass fitness plan from Michelle S aka One Fit Widow.

Yesterday everyone attending received a welcome email that included information about handling fear and anxiety at the conference. Not me - no fear, no anxiety here. Bring it on!  Bring it all on!

I'll let you know how reality meets my vision as the weekend unfolds.